Dealing with grief

    This is something I need to write about and should have a while ago. I had a good friend named Samantha. She was full of life, kindhearted, funny, so funny. She had a lot of friends, and I was just one of them. I took her friendship for granted. I feel so guilty. I feel so horrible for putting off hanging out with her as long as I did for not saying the right things, for not saying enough.I was to busy to be as good of a friend to her as she was to me. Life got the best of her. She was secretly depressed which she had talked to me about some. I didn't say the right things. All she needed was a friend and I guess I just couldn't do that, be that at the time. I was too busy and thought it wasn't important. Well now Samantha is not here..After her suicide my way of thinking changed. It was a couple months ago now and I still don't feel like myself. A depression you cant shake, images you cant repress, thoughts you cant push away, it takes its tole on you. When my throat swells up and tears threaten to fall out of my eyes I just hope no one sees. It happens so randomly and sometimes I just get angry instead. I'm not sure exactly how you just move on from something like this. Every time I realise I am moving on with my life I feel even more guilty that I can just put it behind me and well do just that. Where do I go from here. How do I keep my mind sober instead of numbing it which is a lot easier. How do I shake this depression and do what needs to be done for my daughter. But more importantly how do let this go. Accept it for what it is. If I call her.. she really wont pick up. If I text her..she wont text back.. ever. How to I wrap my mind around this. How can I accept this. I don't want to accept it. When I call her I want her to answer.