not sure where to go with it

I am still playing with the story line, I'm thinking about turning it into a novel because there is no way I can tell the whole story in a few pages :/ IDEK!!!

Short story, still playin with the story line

Its been about seventeen years since I’v been in this town. I can still feel him here, in the air, all around me. I sat on the old rusty park bench and started thinking about the memories we shared here. “Take me back to 1993” he said. Just like that I started to remember all of the things we promised each other. I never thought I would be coming back to this park alone but in the end I guess it was just never meant to be. He died three weeks ago today and I still can’t shake the feeling that it was all just a ploy to get over me. I went to the funeral and saw him cold and still in the casket, yet I still feel like it wasn’t real. How did he die? Or why did he die? I can’t even begin to answer these questions because I haven’t even answered them for myself yet. The sun begins to set and I pick up my purse off the ground and start the 3 mile walk home. It’s my 37th birthday and I’m late to my own party. I know my mother is going to be upset with me so maybe I’ll stop at the corner and buy her a six pack of her favorite beer, bud light. Why did I even come back? As I start the walk home I noticed three little girls walking on the sidewalk. One girl was pushing a neon pink bike with training wheels still attached and the other two following side by side close behind. I can’t shake the feeling that I know the little brunette with the bright blue eyes, than it hit me, she is me. Just out of curiosity as I passed by them I stopped and asked “where’s your mother honey” She looked up at me with the same color eyes as mine and with a single shake of her head and one tear drop fallen out of her left eye she said “ my mommy died three weeks ago” dumbfounded I had no words except I knelt down and said “Oh, I’m so sorry sweetie where is your daddy” and she began to shake her head at me with a solemn expressionless face and I couldn’t help myself, I wrapped my arms around her and we cried together. “I lost someone three weeks ago too you know” “You did?” she said in a small uneven broken voice. I told her it would be ok and wrote down a phone number for her so she could reach me at any time, the other child with the blonde curly hair and brown eyes pushing the bike said her mother would be worried about the three of them, the other one being her twin sister. The brunette child held the name Julie and so with one last hug I started to move forward. I started to think how odd the whole interaction was and I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe she was supposed to come with me, Julie I mean, When I reached my mother’s white picket fence I stepped on the stepping stones and followed the path to the front door. I hate the shade of yellow on this house and the door is so red that the yellow looked even more hideous than before. I took a deep breath and got ready to act surprised. I pushed open the door and when everyone yelled SURPRISE! I really could hide the flinch in me and the smile that spread across my face. “Happy Birthday baby!” My mother said as she raced across the ugly brown floor. “Thanks mom, you didn’t have to throw me a surprise party” I said, “Oh don’t be silly sweetie you only turn 37 once you know” And with a quick wink she disappeared into the kitchen to refill the punch bowl that I think would be better spiked with some vodka. There he is again, in the memories that this house holds, the violent screams and the soft kisses all running through my head I began to get lightheaded, just then, Jeremy the boy next door walked up to me, “happy birthday Jaz” He said, and I couldn’t hide the smile on my face. He was always my best friend. We did everything together growing up and no matter what we did we always got caught together doing it. Our relationship was never sexual but I don’t hesitate now to hold his hug. The face of the child popped in my head and I decided to trust in Jeremy and tell him everything that had happened on the walk home. “So you’re saying this child, Julie right?” “Yes” “ Her mother died three weeks ago on the same day that “he” died” “I’m not sure if it was the same day but it is weird isn’t it?” “Extremely, but I can’t help but wonder if you imagined the whole thing.” I stared at him expressionless, how could my best friend doubt me and think I imagined it. Did I imagine it? It felt so real, I know for a fact, I can prove it I thought. “You really think I imagined it?” “You have to admit it sounds a little absurd” “I admit its out of the ordinary, but I’m sure I didn’t imagine it Jeremy. I hugged the child for crying out loud, how could someone just imagine that?” “I don’t know Jaz, maybe we should, I don’t know, maybe you should go see like a doctor or something. Just to see if you really imagined it. I mean you did just go through a lot with “him” dying and all that.” “ I don’t need to see a fucking doctor Jeremy” screaming now, “ I didn’t imagine it, your suppose to be my bestfriend, your suppose to believe me and trust me no matter what the fuck I say.” Everyone stopped what there doing and just stared at me. “fuck this shit” I slammed the door behind me and heard it fly open behind me. I took off running and heard Jeremy behind me. “Jaz please, wait Jaz!” “Go away, fuck you” “Please just hear me out, I believe you okay!” “No you don’t” I yelled and then my ankle caught a rock and I fell face first down the steep hill.

Its been about seventeen years since I’v been in this town. I can still feel him here, in the air, all around me. I sat on the old rusty park bench and started thinking about the memories we shared here. “Take me back to 1993” he said. Just like that I started to remember all of the things we promised each other. I never thought I would be coming back to this park alone but in the end I guess it was just never meant to be. He died three weeks ago today and I still can’t shake the feeling that it was all just a ploy to get over me. I went to the funeral and saw him cold and still in the casket, yet I still feel like it wasn’t real. How did he die? Or why did he die? I can’t even begin to answer these questions because I haven’t even answered them for myself yet. The sun begins to set and I pick up my purse off the ground and start the 3 mile walk home. It’s my 37th birthday and I’m late to my own party. I know my mother is going to be upset with me so maybe I’ll stop at the corner and buy her a six pack of her favorite beer, bud light. Why did I even come back? As I start the walk home I noticed three little girls walking on the sidewalk. One girl was pushing a neon pink bike with training wheels still attached and the other two following side by side close behind. I can’t shake the feeling that I know the little brunette with the bright blue eyes, than it hit me, she is me. Just out of curiosity as I passed by them I stopped and asked “where’s your mother honey” She looked up at me with the same color eyes as mine and with a single shake of her head and one tear drop fallen out of her left eye she said “ my mommy died three weeks ago” dumbfounded I had no words except I knelt down and said “Oh, I’m so sorry sweetie where is your daddy” and she began to shake her head at me with a solemn expressionless face and I couldn’t help myself, I wrapped my arms around her and we cried together. “I lost someone three weeks ago too you know” “You did?” she said in a small uneven broken voice. I told her it would be ok and wrote down a phone number for her so she could reach me at any time, the other child with the blonde curly hair and brown eyes pushing the bike said her mother would be worried about the three of them, the other one being her twin sister. The brunette child held the name Julie and so with one last hug I started to move forward. I started to think how odd the whole interaction was and I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe she was supposed to come with me, Julie I mean, When I reached my mother’s white picket fence I stepped on the stepping stones and followed the path to the front door. I hate the shade of yellow on this house and the door is so red that the yellow looked even more hideous than before. I took a deep breath and got ready to act surprised. I pushed open the door and when everyone yelled SURPRISE! I really could hide the flinch in me and the smile that spread across my face. “Happy Birthday baby!” My mother said as she raced across the ugly brown floor. “Thanks mom, you didn’t have to throw me a surprise party” I said, “Oh don’t be silly sweetie you only turn 37 once you know” And with a quick wink she disappeared into the kitchen to refill the punch bowl that I think would be better spiked with some vodka. There he is again, in the memories that this house holds, the violent screams and the soft kisses all running through my head I began to get lightheaded, just then, Jeremy the boy next door walked up to me, “happy birthday Jaz” He said, and I couldn’t hide the smile on my face. He was always my best friend. We did everything together growing up and no matter what we did we always got caught together doing it. Our relationship was never sexual but I don’t hesitate now to hold his hug. The face of the child popped in my head and I decided to trust in Jeremy and tell him everything that had happened on the walk home. “So you’re saying this child, Julie right?” “Yes” “ Her mother died three weeks ago on the same day that “he” died” “I’m not sure if it was the same day but it is weird isn’t it?” “Extremely, but I can’t help but wonder if you imagined the whole thing.” I stared at him expressionless, how could my best friend doubt me and think I imagined it. Did I imagine it? It felt so real, I know for a fact, I can prove it I thought. “You really think I imagined it?” “You have to admit it sounds a little absurd” “I admit its out of the ordinary, but I’m sure I didn’t imagine it Jeremy. I hugged the child for crying out loud, how could someone just imagine that?” “I don’t know Jaz, maybe we should, I don’t know, maybe you should go see like a doctor or something. Just to see if you really imagined it. I mean you did just go through a lot with “him” dying and all that.” “ I don’t need to see a fucking doctor Jeremy” screaming now, “ I didn’t imagine it, your suppose to be my bestfriend, your suppose to believe me and trust me no matter what the fuck I say.” Everyone stopped what there doing and just stared at me. “fuck this shit” I slammed the door behind me and heard it fly open behind me. I took off running and heard Jeremy behind me. “Jaz please, wait Jaz!” “Go away, fuck you” “Please just hear me out, I believe you okay!” “No you don’t” I yelled and then my ankle caught a rock and I fell face first down the steep hill.

Its getting better

Angelina has been having better days at daycare. Everyday when I pick her up the caregivers tell me she is adjusting at a phenominal rate. I have been doing better as well taking my class during the day and picking up Angelina at around three. I haven't been keeping up well with this so far because it has been a very strange week. This is just an update and Ill blog about the girlfriend in the next one a little later on.

Angelina hates it

     Well today was Angelina's first day back in daycare and she hated it. I dropped her off around 9 a.m and when I left she threw a horrible tantrum. I thought that maybe she would settle down and actually have fun. When I got there to pick her up at about 2 p.m she was sleeping. The caregiver told me she did had a horrible day. She didn't want to play with any of the kids, she wouldn't play on the play ground, and she just followed the car giver around all day. I walked over to her and whispered Angelina and she shot right up. When she saw me she burst into tears. Then she got angry and starting hitting me. I don't think she liked being back in daycare.... I am hoping after some time it will be okay though and she will warm up to it.

Confession of a no longer stay at home mom

   

When Angelina was younger like she is in the picture I put her in daycare. Working, and going to school is a lot when you are a single mom and I needed help. About a month ago I took her out of daycare and decided to live off of loans quit my job and stay with her during the day. Lately I have been letting my little one watch a lot of TV. I have been a stay at home mom for only a month and going to class at night. I have tried and tried to engage and interact with my daughter more but it seems as though there is a fifty pound wait dragging behind me. Angelina deserves so much better she deserves to be able to play freely, going outside, playing inside with kids. So I decided to put her back in daycare, I have been staying at home with her for a month or so now and attending class at night. I just cant do the simplest of things for her, as pathetic as that sounds the thing I feel worst about is the fact that she isn't even in daycare yet and I already feel relieved. I keep reminding myself I am not relieved that I don't have spend as much time with my daughter but that she will be happier and maybe with going to class during the day it will help me shake this depression I cant seem to rid myself of completely. There have been times where I just didn't want to get off the couch so I let her watch show after show after show. I am ashamed of that and I don't want my daughter to suffer because I am having a hard time staying strong and handling the everyday stresses of life. It is just pathetic.

Dealing with grief

    This is something I need to write about and should have a while ago. I had a good friend named Samantha. She was full of life, kindhearted, funny, so funny. She had a lot of friends, and I was just one of them. I took her friendship for granted. I feel so guilty. I feel so horrible for putting off hanging out with her as long as I did for not saying the right things, for not saying enough.I was to busy to be as good of a friend to her as she was to me. Life got the best of her. She was secretly depressed which she had talked to me about some. I didn't say the right things. All she needed was a friend and I guess I just couldn't do that, be that at the time. I was too busy and thought it wasn't important. Well now Samantha is not here..After her suicide my way of thinking changed. It was a couple months ago now and I still don't feel like myself. A depression you cant shake, images you cant repress, thoughts you cant push away, it takes its tole on you. When my throat swells up and tears threaten to fall out of my eyes I just hope no one sees. It happens so randomly and sometimes I just get angry instead. I'm not sure exactly how you just move on from something like this. Every time I realise I am moving on with my life I feel even more guilty that I can just put it behind me and well do just that. Where do I go from here. How do I keep my mind sober instead of numbing it which is a lot easier. How do I shake this depression and do what needs to be done for my daughter. But more importantly how do let this go. Accept it for what it is. If I call her.. she really wont pick up. If I text her..she wont text back.. ever. How to I wrap my mind around this. How can I accept this. I don't want to accept it. When I call her I want her to answer.