Its getting better

Angelina has been having better days at daycare. Everyday when I pick her up the caregivers tell me she is adjusting at a phenominal rate. I have been doing better as well taking my class during the day and picking up Angelina at around three. I haven't been keeping up well with this so far because it has been a very strange week. This is just an update and Ill blog about the girlfriend in the next one a little later on.

Angelina hates it

     Well today was Angelina's first day back in daycare and she hated it. I dropped her off around 9 a.m and when I left she threw a horrible tantrum. I thought that maybe she would settle down and actually have fun. When I got there to pick her up at about 2 p.m she was sleeping. The caregiver told me she did had a horrible day. She didn't want to play with any of the kids, she wouldn't play on the play ground, and she just followed the car giver around all day. I walked over to her and whispered Angelina and she shot right up. When she saw me she burst into tears. Then she got angry and starting hitting me. I don't think she liked being back in daycare.... I am hoping after some time it will be okay though and she will warm up to it.

Confession of a no longer stay at home mom

   

When Angelina was younger like she is in the picture I put her in daycare. Working, and going to school is a lot when you are a single mom and I needed help. About a month ago I took her out of daycare and decided to live off of loans quit my job and stay with her during the day. Lately I have been letting my little one watch a lot of TV. I have been a stay at home mom for only a month and going to class at night. I have tried and tried to engage and interact with my daughter more but it seems as though there is a fifty pound wait dragging behind me. Angelina deserves so much better she deserves to be able to play freely, going outside, playing inside with kids. So I decided to put her back in daycare, I have been staying at home with her for a month or so now and attending class at night. I just cant do the simplest of things for her, as pathetic as that sounds the thing I feel worst about is the fact that she isn't even in daycare yet and I already feel relieved. I keep reminding myself I am not relieved that I don't have spend as much time with my daughter but that she will be happier and maybe with going to class during the day it will help me shake this depression I cant seem to rid myself of completely. There have been times where I just didn't want to get off the couch so I let her watch show after show after show. I am ashamed of that and I don't want my daughter to suffer because I am having a hard time staying strong and handling the everyday stresses of life. It is just pathetic.

Dealing with grief

    This is something I need to write about and should have a while ago. I had a good friend named Samantha. She was full of life, kindhearted, funny, so funny. She had a lot of friends, and I was just one of them. I took her friendship for granted. I feel so guilty. I feel so horrible for putting off hanging out with her as long as I did for not saying the right things, for not saying enough.I was to busy to be as good of a friend to her as she was to me. Life got the best of her. She was secretly depressed which she had talked to me about some. I didn't say the right things. All she needed was a friend and I guess I just couldn't do that, be that at the time. I was too busy and thought it wasn't important. Well now Samantha is not here..After her suicide my way of thinking changed. It was a couple months ago now and I still don't feel like myself. A depression you cant shake, images you cant repress, thoughts you cant push away, it takes its tole on you. When my throat swells up and tears threaten to fall out of my eyes I just hope no one sees. It happens so randomly and sometimes I just get angry instead. I'm not sure exactly how you just move on from something like this. Every time I realise I am moving on with my life I feel even more guilty that I can just put it behind me and well do just that. Where do I go from here. How do I keep my mind sober instead of numbing it which is a lot easier. How do I shake this depression and do what needs to be done for my daughter. But more importantly how do let this go. Accept it for what it is. If I call her.. she really wont pick up. If I text her..she wont text back.. ever. How to I wrap my mind around this. How can I accept this. I don't want to accept it. When I call her I want her to answer.

Let me cetch you up

Hi. I am Jackie and my daughter is Angelina. I had Angelina in high school and graduated before her first birthday.

She is two now and growing like a weed. My life is always changing and every time I think everything is going to be fine some sort of road block interferes with my plans. One of my passions is writing and I have discovered writing out these problems help me overcome them and keep moving forward. Angelina's father is not in the picture as both of us chose was for the best. I am in school full time studying English education. I want to teach high school English and just getting my degree seems damn near impossible. I was working a shitty part time job in a country club and decided to quit and live off of student loans because I was never seeing my daughter. Stuck in my parents house, trying to get an apartment, get my degree, and raise a two year old. That's what I am doing. Aside of financial issues and parenting troubles I am dealing with many other road blocks as well such as, a friends death, my moms issues, and relationship problems. Right now what I need is someone to talk to and I have chosen this blank space on my blog to do so.